How many times a day do we judge others? 10, 20, 50 or a hundred maybe? We all know it’s not right to judge others but we do it anyway. Most of the time without even realizing we’re doing it. If we had parents who were very judgmental then we learned it as a child. It’s really hard to unlearn things that were taught to us at a young age.
Most of the judgments we make are totally unnecessary. Who cares if the lady standing in line in front of us is wearing an ugly hat? So what? Do we really have to let it bother us? And maybe we just consider it ugly. I’m sure she doesn’t think it’s ugly. “Let’s see… I think I’ll wear my ugliest hat today”. No one says that. They think the hat is nice. Or maybe it was given to them by a loved one and they want to wear it to make that person feel good.
I’m not saying all judgments are bad. It’s good to use your judgment to stay out of a potentially dangerous situation. For example, if you think a person looks dangerous, you may wait for the next elevator. But it’s the silly judgments we make all day long we can do without. Here are a few of them.
“Our neighbors waste their money on stupid things”
“I always knew he’d get into trouble some day”
“She’s dressed like a hooker. I wouldn’t let my daughter out of the house in an outfit like that”
“I don’t like those people because of the color of their skin. They can’t be trusted”
“Those people are all greedy”
“No one that works there is any good”
“Anyone that does that must be crazy”
And the list goes on and on. Why not just cut people a little slack? Sometimes we know nothing about a person and yet we’re ready to condemn them on nothing more than what they’re wearing or a single remark they may have made.
Here’s a trick I use when I catch myself judging someone: When I see someone wearing clothes that I personally don’t like, I say to myself. “Maybe his grandson gave him that tie for his birthday. He must really love the little boy to wear it”.
When I see someone acting rudely: “They’re probably just having a bad day. I’ve had lot’s of those myself. I know how it feels”.
When I see someone driving around in an old junky car blowing smoke all over the road: “Maybe that’s all they can afford right now, I remember some of the old junk cars I had to drive at one time or another”. “Maybe they own a better car but they’re driving someone else’s car to the repair shop to get it fixed” (And by the way. Who really cares what kind of car anyone has).
When I see a beggar asking for money: “Wow, that has to be tough, but I’m sure I’d do it if that was the only way to buy food for my children”.
You get the idea. When we change our thoughts about situations and people we have a whole new attitude. We feel much better than if we just walk around thinking badly about everyone. Try it and see how it works for you.
Here is the quote for today. I read it in a book somewhere. It went something like this.
“let them be judged by the success of their actions”
See we can just mind our own business and let everyone do their own thing, things take care of themselves this way. We don’t have to interfere or even think about things that don’t concern us.
The moment a little boy is concerned with which is a jay and which is a sparrow, he can no longer see the birds or hear them sing.
Eric Berne
There are a lot of zen stories about this very thing. Just stop picking and choosing and enjoy what is at hand. Instead of trying to put everything into a neat little conceptual box, just be there and enjoy life. Stop the constant flow of thoughts and experience reality directly.
Try this: The next time you are out in nature just sit on bench or on the ground for a few minutes and don’t do anything or think anything. The easiest way to not think is to focus intently on what you are hearing. Listen to the sounds of the forest. Hear the birds. Enjoy the feel of the trees around you without trying to name them.
Forgive many things in others; nothing in yourself.
Ausonius
How easy it is to cast blame and hold resentments against others. We all do it. I know I do. The best way to not do it is through awareness. Just try to keep an eye on your thoughts. When you start feeling angry and resentful, just step back for a minute and think “was there ever a time that I did this exact same thing to someone else”?
The other day a gas station employee was a little rude to me. My first impulse was to get mad and I thought to myself “Wow, how rude, that’s no way to treat a customer, if I owned this gas station I’d get rid of her”.
I feel myself getting angry. STOP. Have I ever been rude to anyone for no reason? Have I ever been having a bad day and took it out on an innocent stranger by my rude behavior?
Wow, that’s an easy one to answer. Probably thousands of times.
I thought to myself, I have no idea what’s going on in this person’s life right now. Maybe her husband just asked for a divorce. Maybe she’s tired from caring for a sick child all night. You fill in the blank. There could be any number of reasons for this persons behavior. Let’s cut people a little bit of slack. It’ll make you feel a lot better than being rude back to the person.
Every time you use your thoughts to control your negative reactions, you feel a real sense of victory. Keep doing it until it becomes a positive habit. The more you do it, the easier it becomes.
“Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you’re right”
Henry Ford
Henry Ford had it right. He thought he could, and he did. He was a prolific inventor and was awarded 161 U.S. patents. He started with nothing and built the successful Ford motor company. Do you think he was the kind of man to lay around in bed thinking what a failure he was? Of course not. See what can happen if you truly believe in yourself and keep trying no matter what roadblocks you encounter?
Today, why not use a little self talk to keep you on the right track. Here is a phrase you may want to work with.
“I believe in myself”, “I have what it takes to get the job done!”
I’ve added a page called “List Of Power Words” to the blog. You can find it on the top, right of this page.
Practice using the words every chance you get to change your life for the better.
Sometimes I’ll be working a new project or trying to fix something and someone will come along with the helpful advice “that’ll never work”. Wow, thanks for the pep talk. How very helpful of you.
My response is always the same to these kind of people. “Then I’ll make it work”. Keep this thought in your head and say it when the opportunity presents itself. The more you think it and say it the more this positive thought embeds itself into your mind and becomes second nature to you.
With this kind of “can do” attitude you can accomplish anything. Don’t let the nay-sayers of the world bother you. At least you’re there trying to do something constructive and not just saying how it won’t work. You’ve already won!
Remember, the more you use positive self-talk, the more powerful and life changing it becomes.
Expect more than others think possible.
Howard Schultz
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines, Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream.
Mark Twain [Samuel Langhornne Clemens] (1835-1910)
My daughter was running late for work this morning and asked me to feed her little boy. I said OK. Right away I thought, I’ll just grab my Blackberry phone on the way to the kitchen and I can see what the stock markets doing and check my email while I’m feeding my grandson. Wait a minute! Didn’t I just make a post the other day about not doing that kind of thing? See how easy it is to fall into old habits?
Thankfully I caught myself before it got any further. When feeding grandson, just feed grandson, I thought. So I left my phone where it sat and just enjoyed spending some quite time with one of my favorite people in the whole world. How nice that was. Not thinking any thoughts. Just being there with him and watching him smile and enjoy his breakfast with his gramps.
This reminds me of a time we had a family member’s birthday party at a restaurant not to long ago. My 15 year old daughter was sending text messages to her friends as fast as her thumbs could move. My oldest girl was doing the same while trying to entertain her son with a toy. My wife gets a call and is talking to someone on the phone. I just sat there and looked around the table. The older members of the family (60 years plus) weren’t doing that. They were actually talking with each other and enjoying their meal. Wow, what a difference a generation makes!
I told my kids that now might be a good time to put the phones away and just spend time with the family. “OK Dad, just let me finish up this one message, it’s really important”.
Let’s put down the “gadget of the moment” for a while and just spend time enjoying our friends and family. Just sit there and be with them and really see and hear them. Don’t just nod your head while you’re really thinking about the new boat you saw the other day and just have to have. Guess what, you probably don’t really need it at all. Somehow you went you whole life without it up to this point and you didn’t die yet from not having it.
Just be there and enjoy the simple things in life, like friends and family. What could be more important?
Several years ago I found myself complaining rather loudly about there always being fingerprints on my laptop screen. I’d spray it with special cleaner just for laptop screens and then wipe it with a micro fiber cloth. I liked my screen when working on the computer.
One day while I was complaining to my wife about it. I said “look, the fingerprints are tiny. It’s the kids doing it. Why can’t they stop touching the screen like I told them too.”.
My wife said something I’ll never forget. She said “you should be glad to have those tiny fingerprints on your screen. That just means that you have your children, they’re healthy and they’re here with you”.
My mind stopped in an instant. The thought of not having my children overwhelmed me. How much worse would that be than a few fingerprints on a laptop screen.
How often do we get upset about meaningless things like a few toys on the living room floor. Ask anyone who has lost a child and I’ll bet they’d tell you that they’d love to come home and see those same toys on the floor.
The people in our lives are so important, let’s try our best not to take them for granted.
“Live and work but do not forget to play, to have fun in life and really enjoy it.”
Eileen Caddy
Today is Halloween. Remember all the fun it was when you were a child? Dressing up in costumes, running around the neighborhood with your friends getting free candy, bobbing for apples, Halloween parties?
Adults have a way of looking back at their childhood and saying things like “things were different in those day”, “things were better than they are now”. It’s not that things were so much different back then, you were! You didn’t have so much mental junk floating around in your head back then. You experienced life directly without the constantly interfering rush of thoughts in your head. Zen monks train their whole life to get back to that state, yet every child has it naturally. It’s only when we “grow up” that we loose it. Not that we ever actually loose it, it’s still there but just covered up by a whole lot of mental noise and mind chatter. If you can just let your mind rest naturally and settle down, you’ll experience that wonderful state again.
This Halloween why not take some time off from your busy mind and just enjoy the day. Stop and take the time to really enjoy your family. Help your kids or grand kids carve their pumpkin, bake pumpkin seeds in the oven, bob for apples. Have a little fun for a change!
Most importantly, just really be there. Kids have a way of knowing when you’re not really there. They can sense that you’re just going through the motions. Just stop thinking about problems, worries and whatever else is on your mind for a while. Really be there. Just relax and pay attention to what’s going on around you. Feel the aliveness of the moment. If you’re carving a pumpkin or handing out candy to the trick-or-treaters, then just do that, nothing else. Pretend that is the only thing you have to do for the next couple of hours. Nothing else. Just be right there, right now, the time where time and space intersect (right where you are at any given moment). Truly be there and just enjoy the present moment.
I know sometimes it’s hard to stay in the present moment for more than a few seconds. Thoughts have a way of sneaking in there, don’t they? Here’s a trick I use to stay in the present moment.
Look around the room. Really notice things. See exactly what’s there. Really pay attention to what your doing at that moment. See the small details. Become very interested in whatever it is that you’re doing right at that moment. The more interested you are, the easier it is to stay with what you’re doing. Relax. If the pumpkin eyes come out wrong, don’t worry about it. You’ll be throwing it out in the garbage in a couple of day anyway. Don’t sweat the small stuff. If the kids tear their new costume, so what? It’ll just end up in the play clothes box in the basement anyway. See what I’m getting at. Most of the stuff we worry about really doesn’t matter much in the long run. Why bother getting upset about it? Just relax and let life flow.
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